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Note: The following was written on
note paper from bed on this date. I have fleshed it out and made it a bit more
(hopefully) coherent while typing it in today, but the body of it was mostly
written on back now.
Today feels strange. While I have known for at least
two months that it would not be the case, this was the first date I had
figured as my death date. It was the first serious deadline I had put on
my tombstone.
It has put me in an introspective mood, and sick as a
dog with the flu, I have nothing but time to lie in bed and think about
death and nothingness. Am awful lot of people have retried pushing
religion on me this last couple years. When in a cynical mindset, I
think they figure that this close to death and with a weakened sense of
logic they might be able to convert (and yes, I know, if someone really
believes they don't think of their own religion as illogical - but of
course it requires faith.) When in kinder moods, I know they are just
trying to give me something to find peace in.
But I find no peace in the thought that death is not
the end of things. Some require religion for their life to have meaning.
For me, the thought that all this is just a test or learning experience
robs life of meaning. And I find great peace in the belief that when we
are dead it is over.
Catholicism ruined most Christianities for me. I
definitely wouldn't want that afterlife, although the Jehovah Witnesses
seem to have a nice spin on the life, the universe and everything. And
they really know their bible, you can't shake a JW with either logic or
solipsism they way you can most pushers of variations of Christianity.
I like the Buddhist beliefs (the little I know of
them) but frankly the idea of going through another life tires me just
thinking about it. If I was able to retain some of my memories, so I
could more easily avoid the mistakes of the previous lives, then maybe.
But regardless it all seems so mythological. The bible read from the
viewpoint of the Norse, Roman, Greek or Hindu myths seem pretty the
same: made up explanations for things the people of the time did not
understand.
If religion requires faith, I can not get there. If I
was a betting man (put aside for a second that I was) I would go with
the numbers. Christians like to separate Tibetans and Buddhists into to
separate religions so that the Christians seem the majority. An equal
case could be made to separate Catholics and Christians. But like with
like for each, Buddhists win the majority hands down. This does not help
me. I like what I know of Buddhism in terms of how to live, but it
doesn't inspire to believe it is any more right about the after life
than any one else.
But I have seen enough weird things, to believe that
there is much more than we can perceive. Still I firmly believe we have
no idea what it is, why we were created, either intentionally or as by
product, whether the great whatever is or was every aware of us and if
it was cared at all what we did. If it does/did care, we have no idea
about what or how. This is where logic and lack of faith lead me.
And when I'm dead, I sincerely hope that none of this
any longer matters.
By the way, the deadline was first changed to January
31st, and now stands at May 3rd. I like the synchronicity of birthday
and passing and also that is right around when I can no longer get
another visa. This date feels final and real (although, today did too
when I first calculated it) to me.
I've had several, mostly medical related, reprieves
over these last 5 years. While I am grateful to have gotten the chance
to go to Thailand, and especially to fall in love again. Each reprieve
takes a certain toll on my psyche. I am not as prepared for death as I
was now because I wonder if yet another impossible rescue extend my life
in some way I can not imagine now.
I am happy to still be alive, but I am tired too. It
is hard to explain.
But as I don't think I have the words, and I have
rambled morbidly enough for one day, I don't think I will try with words
that will fail far short any way.
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