10/06/07 

I dropping Tracy off at the airport. We had both been weepy for the last couple of days - missing each other even though we weren't gone yet. This time was harder because we both knew we most likely would never see each other again. During the drive we went through rapid bouts of talking fallowed by lengthy silences. There really wasn't anything left to be said. We lingered in hugs outside the departure terminal until we could bear to separate.

 
10/12/07 

I hadn't done squat since Tracy left. Laid around watching TV and trying to get use to being alone (no offense Dan) again.

I almost forgot about my appointment to have a new implant inserted. I remembered a little before 10 and I had to be there at 11. Luckily Altamonte is only a twenty minute drive most days. They drew only two vials of blood and asked no questions. Clearly I am of very little clinical interest any more. But I am very grateful that they are still providing the treatment. I was in and out in under two hours.

 
10/18/07 

I finally booked my airfare home to visit by friends and family. I'm having more and trouble with making decisions. Especially involving things that can't be acted on immediately. But eventually I locked onto Thanksgiving and then it became about the logistics of being back north on that date and eventually external forces made it quite clear what period would work. I leave - flying my beloved JetBlue - on Nov 15th and return on Dec 6th.

That leaves a problem in paying one bill that needs to be paid by mail, but I'll get that handled by a phone call, the next day I'm in a phone call mentality.

Earlier on I was set on driving, but the day with car trouble has dissuaded me from this. If I had any kind of travel hiccup I wouldn't be able to handle it. And it's irresponsible of me being on the road that much anyway. Already I've limited myself to not driving after 1pm - I'm much sharper in the morning - and soon I'll have to give it up altogether. So I'll be rather housebound on this trip home.

Thanksgiving is at Jia's house. I assume I'll be at her house (or maybe some time at John's - but I haven't called him yet.) until then, after which I'll be at my cousin Cynthia's on the Island (assuming that offer is still good.)

 
10/23/07 

It's been forever since I last posted here. September 15th to be exact. It won't look like that later because I will go back and post-fill what I can remember. I didn't take any notes so the postings will most likely be sparse, and more detail will be added as things come to me. But I figured I should get back in the habit before this site becomes one more thing in my life that is "out of sight - out of mind".

 The Air Conditioning in the house has slowly been failing for the last week or so. So slowly that I wasn't truly sure until last night at which time I called John. I turned on the little AC in the bedroom and in that wonderful coolness got my first good nights sleep in a week - almost 12 hours worth. Today they came and fixed the central air. The house is cooling down as I type this.

 
10/24/07 

A few weeks ago the telephone stopped working. It didn't seem to be the phones themselves. I checked each one and there had been, oddly, no electrical storms around that time. Even with the old fashioned mechanical Lego Phone I didn't get a dial tone. Calling the number from another phone all I got was a busy signal.

I was going to call Sprint and have them check on it, when it occurred to me that 99% of my incoming calls are essentially spam. I didn't want to get rid of the number because it is listed as the contact number on a lot of paperwork (various businesses and credit cards and such.) But a busy signal is perfect. So I left it alone. On my outgoing calls I was already using Skype, as the quality, cost and features were all superior.

Well yesterday, I got to thinking that I had forgotten to tell anyone that my phone didn't work, and connected it with my sister saying she likes hear my voice from time to time even if I not going to remember the conversation. So I signed up for SkypeIn. $18 a quarter, unlimited calls everywhere. I choose a number that was local to the Island as my mother doesn't have a very good long distance plan (it is great for her as long as she doesn't need to make long distant calls.)

One problem: as I already use that computer for Skype calls the speakers were a headset. How would I hear the "phone" ring?

So today a quick trip to Big Lots netted me a pair of $6 speakers and Skype's software already allows you to set non-default speakers for the ring device. So I get to keep my headphones for everything else but when incoming call comes in it blasts loud enough for me to hear it in the other room. A quick email gave the family my number and no telemarketer will ever get it, because I will still use the always busy one on all paperwork.

 
10/25/07 

My mother got her Spinal shot today. On the way she was involved in a auto accident. She was not driving and no one was injured.

I've always had it in my mind - even back ten years ago when it seemed much more likely - that my mother was just way too stubborn to die. She is a fighter in exactly the same way that I am not. The news of the accident shook me up though. I don't really feel connected to a lot people any more (this is my doing, I've been pulling away, preparing to die for quite some time) and I don't think I could take it if my mother went before I did.

 
10/26/07 

I spend a lot of time watching TV, but I rarely mention individual shows here. That's because it strikes me that reading about someone watching TV is about as interesting as listening to people describe their dreams (you are lucky I feel that way as I've been having tons of vivid busy dreams these last few months.) But last night's Grey's Anatomy bears mention in a couple of places. When it comes to medical or ethical dilemmas I  usually come down on the side of the cold logical answer. However in the case of the old man accepting his brain dead daughter's heart, I can't help but think that in that situation I would not be able to do it. As he originally said the beating would be a constant reminder. I don't think I could take that. In another spot Meredith remarks that her mother never let her go trick or treating as she considered it unseemly to be begging. My mother too did not believe in Halloween - and I don't recall conclusively but I think begging was the rational here as well - and so I did not get to go trick or treating either. I have vague memories of feeling this was very unfair in my early youth. It must not have bothered me long as I never became very interested in Halloween and as adult have almost always ignored the holiday, both in not attending Halloween parties and pretending not to be home for trick or treaters. I do remember going to Halloween haunted house in college but that was more about the girl than the event itself. Now of course the thought of all the screaming and shrieking just makes the whole day seem unappealing. And as I've mentioned a TV show I'll breakdown and do it again. If you haven't caught "Pushing Daisies," do so. It is the kind of deranged show that is always canceled quickly. Combining really cute quirky narration with a Burtonesque via Lynch mood and a silly silly premise, it is a masterpiece that I suspect the 'danes will not appreciate one wit. Catch it before it's gone. I wasn't feeling very well these last few days and today I finally realized I have a bug of some sort. So I took my mind off my ickiness and occupied myself today by finally getting the photos from the second cruise uploaded to online.

 
10/27/07 

I was watching a really really stupid horror movie on TV last night ("Piñata, Survival Island") when clear as crystal I had a memory of me as child in the cottage on the Island. I was reading a comic book and watching a science fiction television show on our old Zenith TV set.  Mom walked by looked at me and said "if you keep that up you'll rot your brain."

Who would have guessed she was right? :)

 
10/28/07 

Gram's for breakfast per ritual. A little while back I purchase some noise canceling headphones. The kind that enclose your ears and use computer chips to reduce background noise. This sat in a box for a week or so and then a few days ago I opened it but really only had the few odd noises around the house to try it out on. Both yesterday and today Gram's was not busy or noisy enough to offer much of a test, but as we were leaving some motorcycles came by. It worked like a charm. I'm sure it won't be hundred percent effective against every noise that can harm or annoy me, but anything that expands my ability to do is a godsend.

Also found this wonderful little website today. Works wonders for me - I can't help but think what it would do for the truly stressed.

 
10/29/07 

As is often the case now by the time I get to writing about something I've forgotten the trigger. More often I lose the topic - but those never end up getting written obviously. But somehow I got onto thinking about bigotry. More specifically how blissfully unaware of it I was growing up on the island. It was not until I went to college that I became aware of the concept of black vs. white and rich vs. poor paradigms. For the longest time I thought it was something magical about the island that shielded the inhabitance from these bigotries. I wondered how that could be? We had the same TV, the same newspapers, the same culture. The answer of course I'm fairly sure was that I was obtuse to all of it going on around me. But on an Island that must have at the very least been polarized along financial lines, how did I have no concept of being poor?

 
10/30/07 

As of this writing (on the date above as it happens) I have not yet gone back and filled in the events that led to what I am about talk about. So a primer is in order.

On the last day of the 2nd Cruise Tracy got a bad sunburn. We had zero down time between the 2nd and 3rd cruise, less than 24 hours at home. She was wiped out and slightly ill as well as burnt. I was stressed and becoming ill. We spent most of the cruise in the boat and most of that time in our room. 24 hour room service and being within crawling distance of a hot tub is not a bad way to spend an otherwise lousy time, so I don't regret at all that we happened to be on ship while this was occurring. Luckily we (she) were smart enough to bring a case of DVDs which could be played on the laptop. As they were from my collection I had seen most of them, but A) I don't rewatching things and B) with my memory as it is now rewatching is a lot like watching for the first time.

One of the films we watched was Spalding Gray's "Swimming to Cambodia." It was during this viewing that I was struck with the desire to visit Thailand. I don't think I would have entertained the idea, except that in an email between my mother and my cousin Dawn, mom speculated that she thought the cruises were a last Harrah for me. That certainly had not been plan, but the idea was now in my head as an idea without definition. Thailand lent some framework. The structure began to form in my mind.

Now I know that the idyllic place that he described is lost to the time in which the story comes from. But some checking on the web has developed some interesting appeals. Some of the cities cater almost exclusively to foreigners and English is spoken by nearly everyone in those locales (this is important: I can not learn languages and Thai has 44 consonants and 32 vowels!). The exchange rate is fantastic - my money would go much farther there. The pace is laid back. The people are mostly friendly. The recently had a forced chance of government but the new powers that be, seem just as happy with the foreigner trade.

The major drawback seems to be that AIDS is everywhere there, but that doesn't figure into my plans on several levels.

I am finding it very hard to get help getting a visa. I don't need one if I only go for 30 days. I doesn't look like I can stay past 90 days no matter what forms I fill out. I have enough American Express points to fly there first class (almost to the point - the serendipity begins to pile up) but a visa requires a round trip ticket. This is tough if you are planning to extend your stay. My original plan to get a one way return ticket (I found one for under a grand) and then not use it. But today it occurred to me is that all I need is a ticket out of Thailand. I'm sure, especially given the exchange, that there are plenty of inexpensive flights to neighboring countries. Now I just have to figure out which ones appeal to me if I make it past the 60 to 90 day period.

To sum up, I plan to travel to Thailand leaving somewhere between the middle and late January and staying until they kick me out, at which point I will travel where the wind takes me. I will keep this up until  my money or my health runs out.

 
10/31/07 

A real Flowers for Algernon moment today. I know I get them a lot, that haunting feeling that I used to understand something that mystifies me now. I compensation by using larger words than I use to - justified to myself as a way of holding on to my vocabulary but really as much to hold the illusion of still retaining my previous mental prowess. But the sentences require more time to construct and require grammar and spell checkers to craft this illusion. I hardly ever speak on the phone any more - these manipulations can't be performed in real time. Also, as is the case now, I get side tracked easily.

What happened was this. I was playing with StumblingUpon, just bouncing happily around the net when I ran into E₈. And I couldn't remember what it was. So read the article, and it makes sense, and it doesn't make sense. I remember remembering, but I can't follow the math - and I can't imagine the structures. And suddenly I realize I can't think in an dimension higher than 4. I used to toy with these ideas all the time. Higher dimensions was one of my favorite mental playgrounds of mathematics. I don't know when I lost this ability. I remember trying to explain a hypercube to Tracy once, and that at least I still grasp. But I can't remember performing any manipulations higher than that in quite sometime. I feel like I've lost an old friend that haven't talked to in years.

I don't do Halloween. The lights are off and the hatches have been battened.