1/01/07
New Year's Eve was never an important holiday to me back when I was healthy; even less so now that I have trouble with noise and crowds. So I had no intention of staying up until midnight. At 10pm I wasn't quite ready to go to bed and there was nothing on the Tivo so I popped in one of the Netflix DVDs to watch a few minutes of it before heading to bed.
The DVD was "Bamboozled" which
considering that I avoid both films with Wayans in them, and Spike Lee
movies, I can't imagine why I rented this to begin with. But I must have read something
about it, and I'm guessing that something was probably right. Because I
got hooked. And the damned thing was almost three hours long so it was
past 1am when I went to bed. Of course I woke up at 5:30am; a recipe
for a bad day.
The house was empty because my mother was down in Merritt Island visiting Charlene and Gus.
Now normally I wouldn't go out when I was feeling off like I was this morning, but it didn't seem that bad and I figured everyone would be home with hangovers and Gram's would be nice and quiet. It was a bit busier than I expected, but not too noisy when I sat down. But then a loud German couple sat behind me followed shortly a customer upfront making the waitresses laugh loud and long - one of them on just that pitch that get's me real bad. I think I blanked out because suddenly my food was cold, but also I reached that state where every noise has the same priority as ever other noise and I hear it all and can't block any of it out and it all bounces around in my skull. It was drizzling slightly so the courtyard was empty, and my table was right next to that door. I was able with effort to get up and get out to the courtyard. Sitting far from the door, I stared at the speaker on the wall and focused on the sound of the radio from the kitchen which was now the only thing I could hear and tried to meditate and bring myself back down. I don't know how long I was out there - no one came out there - but eventually I felt I could go in pay and leave. The sounds assaulted me as soon as entered the dining room (I still can't believe I didn't think to bring my earplugs) but I made it to the cash register, and told Sheila I was going to leave my car and walk home. I must have looked bad as they were all worried and fussing about me. I left and started to walk home.
I discovered I couldn't approach the road. The traffic was too loud and busy. I stumbled back but then couldn't go in the dining room. I slumped into the bench on the porch and tried to meditate, but there was too much noise from the two groups eating on the porch. Robin came out to serve them three times before I could get her attention and choke out that I needed a cab. Sheila came out and sat with me and helped me to the cab when it came. She really is a good kid.
The cab cost $10 to take me around the block, but it was money I was glad to spend at that moment.
Once safely in my house, I turned on the meditation music and lie in my bed until my body returned to my control. I don't remember much about the rest of the day; I think I worked on the website and went to bed early.
1/02/07
I awoke at 5:30 again, but felt good and rested. Which was good because this was not to be a good day (this year is off to a bang, isn't it?)
As usual my first action was to check the order that came in during the night. What I discovered instead was that PayPal had frozen my account. I had about $700 up there - which isn't nearly as important (as I'll get that back in 6 months) as there is now no way for my customers to pay me. But I didn't have time to stress about that as I had a Doctor's appointment at 8:30. This doctor is for my diabetes, and I try like hell to avoid these appointments as they are just a waste of time. After all, unless I go nuts to the wall with sugar, diabetes is not going to hurt me (it's a very slow disease) before CDS does me in. So I find these appointments a waste of money. But they have me on the short leash of my prescriptions and eventually they always realize how many appointments I've missed and refuse to renew them, at which point I have to give in and go. This time I managed 8 months.
However, as the second blow of the day, it turns out good I went as my A1c (a blood test for measuring your blood sugar levels over the last 3 months) showed that my levels were much higher than they should be. As I have for the most part been eating pretty properly, I can only attribute it to my complete lack of exercise since I stopped paying Fred.
The problem with higher blood sugar levels for me is that there is no higher levels of medication for me to go to. If I don't turn them around, the next stop is insulin. This is bad for two reasons: It's very expensive, and it requires being taken on a rigorous schedule. This is not one of my strengths, and so while the disease won't kill me, my screwing up the insulin well might. So this has to be avoided. Which means paying strict attention to food again and exercising. And here I was just hoping to enjoy myself.
Faced with both these problems, I decided to take the day off. I took the car out for a aimless drive. The weather was very cooperative by raining all day (that's not sarcasm - it's usually too much sunlight that forces me back into the house). I had my usual reaction to having my funds clipped, I spent. I have been wanting a spa day for some time. A full day of being touched and pampered sounds wonderful right now, but even with spend lust upon me I can't block out the worry to spend that much.
I compromise by driving to three massage parlors, not the useful but painful massage therapy that I am use to (nor the happy ending kind either (although that option might have been there for all I know)) but just soft pleasant massage. I popped 2 extra mgs of Xanax before the first one and so found myself a heavenly hour later not fit to drive, so I walked around in the rain for an hour or so (look exercise!) until sleepiness left me. Several hours, many miles and two more massages later, having stored up a few months worth of touch to draw on, I headed home.
But first I stopped at the Chinese take out place, if I was going to get strict again, I was going to have one last good Chinese meal. While I waited, I strolled over to the Goodwill to look around. I found a small boombox with a tape player in it for $6. I needed a tape player because shortly before she stopped visiting Karen gave me a tape of Stanley Matis. Hopefully the player works.
I don't remember eating the meal (which is a damn shame), I don't remember going to bed, but I woke up at 11:38pm feeling like I had had a full night's sleep. Somehow after only an hour or so awake I forced myself back to sleep and didn't wake up until 8am. I had a ton of dreams that I can't seem to get any grip on, except that they had a lot of friends and family in them. Really jam packed.
1/03/07
I woke up even more emotionless than usual. I things that had to get done, which is always good. The orders from the extra long holiday weekend had to be put together and shipped. This is was make tougher by two factors:
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Without PayPal there was no label printing automation, so I had to do each label manually and also notify each customer manually. A pain in the ass, but not even close to being a problem except that Bill had not been trained in this, so I didn't call him and resigned myself to doing it personally.
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I had never organized the new cover and label files, if fact some of the labels hadn't even been created yet. So I had locate and/or create every thing I needed in order to get the shipments together. Again tedious, no not earth shattering. It just took until 2pm to get a job done I would have normally handed off to Bill.
My work done and shipped I sat down to see if the new used tape player worked. It did and sat down to listen to the Stanley Matis tape. There were maybe 13 songs on the lost tape, of which 5 were the ones I was really looking for. I expected "New Jersey " to be on it, but no others. It turns out I got much luckier than I expected.
"Bowling Ghost", "The Dead Guy", "You Can't Make Me", "New Jersey", "Frugal Duck", "Coma Bums", "Buster Christ", "Why Do We Feed the Broads?" and "New York Jews". Of those "Buster Christ" and "Coma Bums" were two of those savored five, and "Frugal Duck" would have been on the list if I had remembered it. This leaves (and I guess at the titles) "Hellavtor", "Poor Bob Bean" and "America is no Place for the Ugly" left to track down. The songs are like listening to a live version of something you listened to for years on album; some of the words are different, the pauses aren't quite right - that sort of thing (and as I suspected I think he just makes up the words to "New Jersey" as he goes along.) Still, you have no idea how happy this makes me.
I hope Karen still occasionally checks in here, to know how belatedly appreciated her gift is. She was a most thoughtful woman, it's a pity I could be what she needed.
My mother should be arriving back here this afternoon.
I have three other chores to do today: call Dan, sign up with K-Mart for their prescription plan and start checking out Credit Card Merchant Accounts. Instead I make soup. Using what is left of the Christmas day leftovers, I aim for a soup that will taste like Turkey dinner. I'm not sure what the soup stock Mom made tastes like, so that makes spicing it difficult. I'll know if it worked tomorrow.
1/09/07
Another case of time getting away from me. I don't remember much from the time since I have posted. I've lost about 12 pounds due as much to the addition of a diuretic as the huge reduction in calories. But the withdrawal from some foods and the lowered caloric intake have had negative effect on my brain power. I have not had a day approaching real clarity since I last posted.
I got my PayPal account back (freeing up the frozen funds) but I had to remove them from my website to do it. I have been trying to hook up an alternative, but this has been slowed by my difficulty thinking.
Yesterday my hunger had vanished, and it was difficult even eating the amount I did. This is when I'm supposed to rev the metabolism back up and kick the body out of starvation mode by having a larger meal heavy in protein. So yesterday, Mom and I made reservations at Harry's, which despite being in a Best Western I've heard good things about since I moved here. I've wanted to go there for some time, but it wasn't a place I was comfortable going to alone (I just figured out today that I need a restaurant low enough on the class level for me to feel comfortable reading a newspaper in, for me to go alone. I can't eat without either company or diversion of some kind.) and plans to go with people always seemed to fall apart.
It was actually even better than I was expecting. We went for lunch, both for the lower prices and the smaller portions. I had my eye on the Prime Rib they are known for, and yup they had it on the lunch menu too. Mom had Shrimp Scampi. Mom rated it, a notch below Benjamin's. I don't think I'd go that far, but it's definitely the best I've had in the 4 town area. It was also wonderfully quite both audibly and visually, although it was starting to get a bit noisier toward the end of lunch.
After we got home, I lay on the couch, full, for several hours before typing this. Hopefully tomorrow I will clear headed enough to tackle the programming needed.
1/13/07
1/16/07
We went to Harry's again for lunch. It most be the main cooks day off. While things were still rather good, nothing was as good as our last trip here. It was also a bit noisier almost exclusively because a man behind me constantly on his walkie talkie, and a man in front of us talking extremely loudly in profanity laced tales that didn't seem to pause even while he was eating. And once again I had forgotten by ear plugs, the plugs being in my other pants. While it wasn't enough to cause any kind of attack it did add to my anxiety of building toward one.
1/17/07
I felt relatively good physically this morning. I had a rather strange dream last night. It must have been set in the future, and the weird part was I was dead and in my grave and Tracy was in her 40s and she was sitting on my grave late at night, drinking and talking to me (I couldn't reply being dead and buried but I was able to hear and somehow see). She was going on and on about how her life hadn't worked out the way she wanted and how alone and unhappy she was. It was very vivid and stuck with me upon my waking. It's colored my emotions all day making me feel irrationally worried about her.
Mom and I ran a bunch of errands in preparation for her leaving tomorrow. I was worried it would be too much sun, but the weather cooperated by being rather overcast and it didn't turn out to be nearly as much running around as it originally sounded.
One of the trips was to the pharmacy and while we waited we sat in the car and talked. We've had lots of conversations while she has been down here. For the most part she really gets a lot of my humor (and there aren't too many people I can say that about) and while her politics are worlds apart from mine, we can have long discussions on the subject. Somewhere in our talks I coined the phrase consumerocracy. But in checking on the Internet I find several people have beaten me to the punch, each with their own definition.
1/18/07
One again the weather cooperated. It was near perfect; cloudy, cool and the sun couldn't get to me. As mom had packed surprising well in advance our departure to the airport was uneventful and smooth. While we did in our month together what two healthy people probably could have squeezed into four not overly hectic days, I think she had a good time and think we did more than on her previous visit. It's good having people in the house, and I enjoyed myself.
The trip over and back didn't wear me down at all, so when I got back I gathered up all the laundry that had accumulated and took some of the heavier stuff over to Shaun's house and the rest across town to the laundry. I also cleaned out the fridge of Mom's stuff that I either couldn't or wouldn't eat and brought it over to Shaun's.
Now that the house was mine, my head was reasonably clear and I had some energy, I sat done to try once again to tackle the problem of having a way to take in payments on the DVD website. As I had sent a few emails to eCartSoft over the last few days, they had not answered me (despite their testimonials claiming their amazing customer service and astonishing speed at returning emails) so that left their phone number as the only course of action. This is because I have exhausted every other avenue in terms of using someone else for the job. Ironically I ended up back at the first place I checked up, but had abandoned because I was getting this hinky feeling from the lack of support I was sensing.
Now, as some of you know, I have a mental dysfunction both with situations involving the unknown and I have big problem with phones except with people I know really well. So it is simply beyond my current ability to use the phone to call into unknown situation. It's a very frustrating thing, right up there with trying to push through an overpowering phobia. Luckily, I was able to reach While he is doing that, I am updating this site. Keep your fingers crossed; by nightfall I could be back in business.
1/20/07
Today started with lunges. I only did ten, but I was more winded than when I was doing 60 just a few short months ago (I guess about six months ago actually.) Lunges are the perfect exercise at the moment for me because at my weight a lunge is a real muscle building activity, it requires very little effort to maintain the correct form (i.e. you can't cheat by not doing it right) and it get's fast results. I figure in short order it will give me back the muscles to have the energy to do more extensive exercising. My hope is that I can remember to do them each morning.
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When Mom was going over my post-life wishes she wanted a diagram of what I wanted my tombstone to look life. I thought I had done a good job of describing it in my At The End section. But in thinking about it, I realized that if I did a mock up I would increase the likelihood of getting closer to what I wanted. So here it is. While looking over various designs, while looking for and not finding the simple rounded top model I was looking for, I started noticing the various symbols on many of them. Not belonging to any organizations I'd wish to associated with for eternity, and having no religious affiliations, I could think of no symbols and my first design had none. But while trying to change the color to a more preferred, but harder to render, black stone design it occurred to me that Discordianism has been the closest thing to a guiding principle in my life since learning of it 25 years ago. The symbol isn't exactly simple shapes so I assume a simplified flattened version will be required, but a larger view of the symbol to work from can be found to the right. The word on the apple is 'Kallisti' |
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One of the great things about having my mother here was that we are both at a similar stage of acceptance (although I suspect more with our own passing than with each others), and could make jokes and observations that I would otherwise self-censor for the sensibilities of others. I already miss that.
I called Mary K to see if they were on the road yet, but they are waiting until tomorrow for a promised break in the snow. This means that they will not arrive until Tuesday afternoon at the earliest. With setup for the show on Thursday, it means their visit will be a short one. Seems to me something like this happened last time and I can't help but feel somewhat ripped off.
1/21/07
I slept until almost 10am this morning. As I am almost never able to sleep passed 7, this is both weird and wonderful. I also have the most absurdly runny nose (like a bloody nose but without blood) yet I feel neither sick nor congested. My legs are sore from yesterday's lunges which is also scary as I did so few, but comforting as well as it means it is already starting to build muscle. I did another set of ten, which wasn't as painful on stiff muscles as I was expecting.
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Personality test from StumbleUpon profile setup |
INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood.
3.3% of total population.
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Last night I made some behind the scenes adjustments to this website, and finally cracked the code for how to include the date each page of the site was last updated on (it's right under the search site box that is on the top of almost every page) without having to hand code it and remember to update it for each page I change. I think that was the last great problem of things I wanted to do mechanically on this site other than a popup menu instead of the great big ugly thing on the home page.
John (that's him in the back left corner of the structure) has been building a huge shed/garage in the back yard for some time now. I kept meaning to get a picture when it was just a few blocks on a slab, but at least I finally got around to it today.
1/22/07
I found a sticky note on my screen this morning: "Make sure Dan is still alive."
I have to leave myself more detailed notes. I assumed he called me last night and that the call had me worried. I've tried reaching him and his phone is turned off. I have no other way of reaching him. I wish I knew how worried to be.
The weather outside is pre-stormy and cool; perfect for walking. I went to get my bike, which I have been leaving upside under the garage wing as it is a pain in the ass to get out of the house since we sealed off the garage door. Well, it's been stolen. It doesn't bother me much, except that I am so rarely stolen from that I enjoy the illusion of being theft proof.
After lunges I got involved in the computer and forgot about breakfast and pills. By the time lunch rolled around I became aware that I was rather hungry. I decided to go out to get out of the house but couldn't think of where to go. As I could play with the calories of two meals I decided on Pier 8 - popcorn shrimp and baked potato. Like most fried foods, this did not sit well with me and now I'm not feeling so well.
Mary K just called. She and Joe Bob are in Louisiana and should be here by noon tomorrow.
1/23/07
I was not able to reach Dan yesterday, I'm getting a little worried.
I worked with unusually single-minded purpose for most of yesterday afternoon on a secret project for someone else. Then went to bed early so I could get up very early and put in the hours needed to finalize one section of it and still leave time to clean the house a bit for Joe Bob and Mary K. If they stay on schedule I will take them to Harry's for lunch.
That arrived around 1pm and we went to Gram's, went back to the house and installed software upgrades for FrontPage on MK's laptop. We discovered that Microsoft is no longer supporting FrontPage even though they haven't yet released the replacement product (actually they are replacing it with two products.) I guess they were unhappy because it is a program that works remarkably well (although it writes terribly incompliant HTML code) so they needed to rework it from scratch so as to get the requisite number of bugs back in. Normally this would piss me off, but as the only thing holding me back from switching to Dreamweaver (which DOES write compliant code) was that I didn't want to have to learn to use a new program. But if I have to anyway.... Another break from Microsoft.
We ran into some problems with stuff too jargonistic to go into here, which required MK calling and emailing her ISP supplier over and over (this is still not resolved at this writing) without success. I worked long after my mind shutdown and went to bed around 10pm.
Oh, somewhere in there we went to Harry's for dinner, which frankly I wasn't as impressed as I was with the lunches there. I had a lunch sized prime rib and a fairly wonderful salad. I took most of the prime rib home.
1/24/07
It was my job to wake them at 9am. I had long night filled with vivid dreams, the one I remember best included a weird mangling of the Cascade and Fred's, and trying to figure out where my gun had ended up being stored in the move from the Island to Buzzards Bay to Florida. I was trying to figure how I hadn't managed to keep track of it. Now I have never actually own a gun - I believe strongly in the constitutionally granted right to own a gun, but equally strong I believe I personally should never own one - but I do have vague memories of the dream in which I acquired the gun and other dreams in which I possessed it. It seems weird to me that I have objects and histories that persist from dream to dream that have no other existence in the real world. Does this happen to other people?
Anyway, I didn't wake up until slightly after 8:30 which through off my whole morning routine, but I showered and cooked myself a breakfast of the prime rib, cooked in olive oil with garlic and little red potatoes which I ran through the little Cuisenaire - with lots of salt of course. It was quite nice.
I tried to rouse then at 9, got a response but no upness. I tried once every ten minutes while I watched Veronica Mars. When it was over at 9:40 I was a bit more forceful and MK finally forced Joe Bob to get up and she went back to sleep.
Amazingly we managed to get almost all they wanted done through out the day, and I got to learn quite a few things while teaching them. Hopefully I'll retain some of that knowledge.
We went to the Thai place for lunch around 2pm and I had very good but sensible meal and still felt raring to go afterward.
I continued on until about 7:30. I was still no hungry, but was getting sleepy and Joe Bob had mentioned - at lunch - wanting to go back to Crazy Buffet (the only Buffet I'll go near) for dinner, so off we went. Mary K could find little she liked, which amazes me as they have so many different styles of food and most of it is so good. I mostly loaded up on Salmon and White Tuna sushimi. It's actually good for me to go there not hungry. I'm amazed that I could eat out all but one meal for two days and still continue to lose weight.
Joe Bob has been paying for the all meals which doesn't trouble my conscience at all since I am supply lodging.
For the third night in a row, I went straight to sleep with barely any tossing and turning. Had a dream about working F/X - the convention JB and MK are doing this weekend. I miss working conventions and I really miss the driving, but neither are remotely possible any more.
1/25/07
I awoke to find I am reaping the payment (mixed metaphor?) for so much stimulation, thinking and almost zero TV for the last two days. My muscles are all insisting on contracting and I really have to fight to walk, lurch really - but I'm able to type with far less difficulty than I expected. I am however all hunched over and pulled into a ball in the chair. It must look very strange. I almost wish someone was here to take a picture. It's going to be a painful time at the Massage therapist tomorrow.
That reminds me I have to put an hour in building her website before my appointment. I think I will put it off until tomorrow morning though. I should spend the day in the lounger watching TV. I want to be sure tomorrow is a good day for my visit to F/X. I would take a coma pill today, but I only have one left and want to save that just in case, despite my precautions, F/X overwhelms me.
But the one thing I am forcing myself to get done today is the setting up the shopping cart account, and asking the questions I need to ask. That way, I'll - hopefully - have the answers I need when I dig in on Saturday and finally get back in business. That's why I'm catching up on this typing here now. I'm waiting for a confirmation response, and then I can go veg.
Later, when I would usually be watching TV, I got an idea for replacing the menu on this website with the Tab interface that is now at the top of each page. The idea was easy the form was simple - but getting each little picture to create the illusion proved very time consuming. I didn't get to bed until after 1am.
1/26/07
I awake at 6:30.
I watch less than two hours of TV when I remember that I have Massage Therapy at 11am. Then I remember that I have to put in an hour of work on her website in exchange for today's session. It actually ends up taking about two hours to produce that one hour of work. I keep tweaking it right up until I have to leave, and it still isn't quite what I want. After the massage I return and rather quickly finish up making the page just right.
I get an email from George, my contact at ecartsoft, asking me to rewrite my question more simply. I'm getting very frustrated and I decide to dig deep into the old PayPal routines to see if I can't figure out how to do this myself. It is while doing this, that I come to realize that George can't answer my questions because they make no sense. I've completely misunderstood what is going on, and I had all the info I needed from the beginning. Still it will be a lot of work and I am supposed to be visit the F/X convention at 4pm.
I can't seem to get out of the house. I can't find my sneakers, I forget my pills, where are my sunglasses, long unfruitful search for the traveling case for my iPod. Then I start losing things I've already found while looking for new missing things. I start moving things to the car. Finally I am dressed properly, I have my pills, my iPod, the right headset, my ear plugs, sunglasses, coma pill (just in case), my medical alert bracelet, and I've filled the car's ashtray with coins. About six false starts but I'm finally in the car.
I head off for the convention center. I take route 417 because I'm sure I-4 will be a mess and I have a lot of pennies to get rid of and automated toll booths are one of the best places to get rid of them. The weather is overcast, and rather cool, just perfect for me. It's a very pleasant drive except that my route doesn't end where I expect it too and it dumps me exactly at the convention center and I have to fight horribly slow traffic to get to MK's hotel.
They had gotten a suite at a very reasonable price (I miss being on the road) and one of the rooms is filled with equipment.
Wanting to avoid the hassle of the traffic and the absolute chaos of parking at the convention center we decide to walk. I knew that the show was in the new half of the convention center, but didn't realize that that meant it was over twice as far from the hotel as the old location. It was quite a walk and I was sweating hard when we got there - plus we had to keep dodging these rickshaw type taxis that use the sidewalk. Luckily I thought to bring a small hand towel which I was storing in MK's parka hood.
Joe Bob has
waiting at the door to the show with entry badges for us.
The show room was much bigger than usual, but it was almost empty of customers and only 2/3s full of dealer tables. It left the sunglasses on, put my iPod on Serenity sounds and went in search of a walking stick. I found one almost instantly and as luck would have it at the booth of the first dealer I recognized. This name is Wes, he used to deal mostly in comics, but now he had a fair display of weapons as well. And this Pirates of the Caribbean sword cane (actually it's more like an overgrown letter opener - but the sword aspect wasn't a plus anyway) that has a smooth grip and is within an inch of being a comfortable height. The price is $35 and ask him if there is anything on JB's table he wants. He is sure he find something.
I now proceed to do a systematic sweep of the room. I run into Chris and chastised him for not visiting now that he only lives about an hour or so away.
By now I have removed the sunglasses and pullout one of the iPod earplugs. The room is largely quiet and there are very few flashing lights. Tomorrow will be very different, but today was made for me. I run into Bob Cook who seemed to be in a good mood.
I also run into Doug, who I knew lived down here. He has become a cop (there are a surprising number of bootleggers in the law enforcement field). He is also very religious, which I was not aware of before. I can appreciate the people that say I'm in their prayers and the such, but then there are those that I get the feeling see me as a prime candidate for conversion. Like since I am close to dying I will abandon my rationality and cling to their carrots of hope out of fear or desperation. It's really starting to annoy me, and I'm close to going back to the way I was when I was almost militantly atheist. Luckily I no longer have quite the grasp on my ideas to crush someone belief easily. And I believe that belief is vital to some people for their lives to have meaning. From my point of view neither belief system gives life meaning.
Also unnerving was the number of people that approached me to say hi that I had no inkling who they were.
A couple of times the announcement speakers went off blasting loudly into the customer forsaken hall. I think one or more of these most have shut me down for a bit, because it was much closer to closing when I got back to Joe Bob. He jokingly chided me for Wes having gotten to him before I told him about the deal for the cane.
I spent the last few minutes of the show picking over John's table for new titles to put on JennyVision. I grabbed about 20 all told.
As we were in the parking lot walking toward JB's van - no walking back for us! - my cell phone rang. It was Jen, her sister had committed suicide and their house was temporarily a crime scene and she wanted to know if they could stay at the house to get out of the cold until they were allowed to return. I always get uncomfortable in situations were I am supposed to be comforting. That part of my brain no longer functions properly and when something serious happens my emotional system just shuts down. I hear myself trying to simulate sympathy and say whatever I think I supposed to say, but it sounds so fake to my ear. It's not that I don't care, I just can't connect to it properly. And it seems important to be supportive and care to be human.
JB and MK have made plans for us to meet John and Lou at Ming Garden for dinner. This is almost a ritual from my convention days. There is a half hour wait which we send outdoors by the coy pond so that MK can smoke.
The wait ends up being much longer but eventually we are seated - first at much too small a table and then at a proper one. I discover that the days excitement has gotten to me; I can't read. But the menu has lots of pictures and I mostly order from memory: Spicy Tuna Hand Roll, House Hand Roll and Kung Po Chicken. My hands are leaving ghostly blue trails. I begin to think driving home is not a good idea.
There is a kid to my right so I put a plug in my right ear - otherwise the room is surprisingly quiet for a place so packed. John and JB are probably the lowest people in it. The conversations and memories flow, and unfortunately while I remember enjoying it and adding my own stories I didn't retain a drop of what was said.
I was full when dinner was over, and then they brought the evil dessert tray over. Seemed everyone was going to have some, but I was prepared to resist. Then as the last item our very attractive waitress described the Key Lime Cheesecake. I'd heard of this before, but I'd always pictured it as mixture. Here is was clearly separate layers, and that was much more appealing. Still I resisted. Then Mary K suggests splitting it and - convincing myself I will just have a taste - I give in. Then MK takes a few bites and goes out for smoke, leaving me with the rest - which was no longer resistible as it was incredible.
After dinner everyone paid cash, which I took and charged the meal. This has been a pattern all weekend which has saved me from having to dip into that last reserve in my bank account.
I try to convince myself to let Lou take me home, but then my car will still be in Orlando (without a parking placard too) and I suspect I'm going to be a mess tomorrow and don't want to have to deal with that then. It's a straight shot up I-4, so it shouldn't be a problem and at this hour the traffic will be reasonable.
I play the White Stripes off the iPod through the car's speakers. I can sort of see of the lyrics in the air. It's entertaining but gets me thinking about what life will be like down the road. Will there be a point when I full break from reality and will I know it? Is there a chance of me becoming dangerous to others? These thoughts bounce through my head on the otherwise easy and uneventful drive home.
I'm in bed by midnight and asleep by the end of the opening song (for those of you tuning in late - I've trained myself to fall asleep to Buffy the Musical.)
1/27/07
My brain is only at half power from so little sleep and lack of TV watching for so many days, but tomorrow is the target date I had set as the last day I would allow JennyVision to dysfunctional. I struggle with my new idea for how to code it. I have both pieces but I can't get them to lock together. I am determined not to have to recode the whole site, that I can do it by just rewriting the javascript routine, but I waste the whole day and get no closer. Except like Edison working on the bulb, I now know more things that will not work.
1/28/07
I can't believe its not a bad day. I should have crashed by now. It's like when I visited back home. I had less bad days. There is something to having some unusual stimulation, but finding the line could be tricky.
I decide to abandon my previous approach to fixing the site and rewrite every page. Even that turns out to be harder than I expect to get working, but by 5pm I have a working model and start converting one of the two main list pages. I finish the task about 10pm, less than a half hour after Joe Bob and MK return from F/X (not the best of money makers this year), only to find it doesn't work in FireFox. Luckily I am able to fix that by modifying the central routine (still don't know what Firefox didn't like) but the new subroutine works for both browsers.
1/29/07
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I wake up late for me; 8:30. Lack of sleep must finally be having an effect. But I feel great. This is getting weird. I finish up converting the other list page, which being much smaller goes rather quickly. While doing this I get an order, so I get to play with that and see how the order manager functions. It isn't as straight forward and all contained as it was with PayPal but the functions are more or less there and I can process the order. Yeah. At lunchtime we have breakfast at Gram's. The courtyard is a mess, so we end up out on the front porch so MK can smoke. I didn't bring a heavy enough overshirt and I'm a bit cold, but not horribly so. The last time we are on the porch they were cutting boards below us, wafting sawdust up into our food and drink. This time they are working on a door, which seems almost beyond the carpenters skill as he works on this one door over the entire of our meal. The hammer banging hurting me even through the ear plug. As we had arrived I remembered I had forgot to leave the house door unlocked for John. He showed up at Gram's while we were still waiting for our food. I got things screwed up and John and JB are overlapping a night, so John get s a room at the Comfort Inn. Most of the day is spent finalizing little details and swapping cover files and things like. John number 3 shows up after being absent for months in the midst of all this, while I am trying to scan in some covers from the show, and there is no way I could switch gears to carry on a conversation. I think I was probably a bit rude to him, but hopefully he understands. We ended up having dinner at La Hacienda and once again I'm stuffed. I can't believe I'm not gaining weight. But I will have to go through the pain of getting to the other side of hunger again when everyone is gone. |
1/30/07
During the night Google Checkout decides my layout isn't up to their policies and they sever the link with Adwords. This is not a big set back and I have 10 months before that becomes a real issue, so I will tackle it later (more from the angle of trying to defend that my layout makes sense, then modifying it to the nightmare they want.)
JB and MK are a flurry of activity packing to get out and on the road by 10. I can barely get out of my chair, but I shower after they leave and start to feel a little looser. By the time John arrives after waiting for the last second to checkout of his hotel room, several hours of TV have me feeling pretty good. We run a couple of errands, have a meal at Bob Evans, and spend the rest of the day watching TV.
1/31/07
John had been on the fence about returning home today. He didn't want to start the drive, but he had a lot of work to do and will be back in a few weeks for Megacon. My condition decided it. Today it finally caught up with me, and I had very little control over a lot of my muscles. I'm not big on having people around when I'm like that.
Later in the day, I took a stab at making some formatting changes to the new site, but while I could get it to work in testing, I couldn't get it right live. I'm sure it's simple mistake and I'll find it after a good nights sleep.
I watch a lot of TV, eat minimally and go to bed by 10pm. I toss and turn a lot but am still asleep by the third act.
Oh and my nutty, wonderful, alien, ex-girlfriend cut off all her hair to donate to cancer victims that need wigs.
